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tv   At Midnight With Chris Hardwick  Comedy Central  May 13, 2015 2:09am-2:41am PDT

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savage, ali wentworth, and our special guest, morgan freeman. ( cheers and applause ) now don't forget to follow us on twitter, like us on facebook and prod us on instagram and keep track of everything we're doing online. in case you're wondering yes we lost to "the daily show" in softball last night. and, no, i don't want to talk about it. i'll get you next time, jon stewart. good nightly >> chris: it's 11:59 and 59 seconds, this happened on newyorkpost.com today. sunday's episode of "game of thrones" broke another record, the piracy record with 2.2 million illegal downloads in just 12 hours. among the orders of devoted fans is none other than snoop dogg, the ruler of house dank, who recently contributed this track to the season 5 "game of
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thrones" mix tape. listen to this. >> honor thy lord, swing my sword, servant of war. >> wait wait, wait. no, no you have to play that over the "game of thrones" intro, please, put the graphics in there, yeah. >> servant of war. we got the power. seven kingdoms strong. oh (bleep) yeah that is sweet! i am assuming the b side of that song is valor marghizzle, all men must doesable. >> what is dizzle, what's snoop's favorite part of the show, the graphic violence, the gratuitous nudities? nope, he watches it for historical accuracy. >> i watch it for historic reasons to try to understand what this world was based on before i got here. i like to know how we got from there to here and the
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similarities between then and now. >> i think he just gets high and he thinks the history channel is "game of thrones". >> who said weed doesn't affect your brains? but he makes a good point why aren't our schools teaching our children about historical important he events like the doom of va her i can't and the time when dragons melted those dudes? come on, (bleep). what are some additional things snoop can learn from other tv shows. >> i think snoop learned if you take the good, you take the bad. you take it all, and you have got the facts of life bitch. >> chris: yes, you do. the literally. absolutely. annie lederman. >> according to friends, black people did not exist in manhattan in the nineties. >> according to republicans we still don't.
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>> chris: jim jefferies. >> that crystal here is unindictable. >> chris: let's start @midnight! captioning sponsored by comedy central welcome to @midnight. i am chris hardwick, tonight's comedians are cohost of can i kick it monthly at the nerdmelt showroom in los angeles, it's al jackson! >> welcome to the show, al jackson. >> performing at the improv in hollywood may 22nd, it's annie lederman! >> performing at the moore theatre in seattle may 27th, world tour dates at jim jefferies.com it's jim jefferies! >> i will be doing seattle and
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portland. >> chris: so you are an american now and american things we do here constitute the world. >> ripped from today's internet headlines, it's rapid refresh. >> today marks the end of an internet era, verizon has purchased aol for $4.4 billion. yeah. i know. if you are wondering why i why inwith went for such a high price, apparently 2.2 million uncles and moms still use it to jack into the nexus. >> it makes me nostalgic for the days where mom couldn't use the phone because i use looking at oh so slowly loading nude desktop wallpaperers of. >> come on, 12 more minutes and i can see her boob, damn it. >> she is so hot i will wait to see the rest of that, that is fine. >> that is the best part anyway. >> it is like (bleep), just see
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the -- >> in honor of the bygone era i want to play you an internet set so sound from internet heyday and you have to tell me what the internet effect is attached to. what is that?n't you know what that is? >> we were too poor so i don't know what that sound means. >> i met him at a friend's house. >> chris: i will give you 100 points. for that. >> it's an aol instant notification. >> i got cat fished on aol my god. >> she was like 50 and i stayed. >> chris: yes. >> you got it. all right. next one. what is this? >> >> that is connecting to the internet or sending a fax. >> chris: yes, dialing a modem. that is dial a modem to the
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internet. >> that was the big one, mom mom, i am on it. >> chris: last one. >> do you know what that is? >> al. that's the sound of all my black friends trying to pretend like they don't know that song. >> chris: yes, points that's right that's the intro to crazy town's hit butterfly which was relevant the last time aol was relevant. >> if you are getting work e-mails that say jk, or lol this is the year the millennials made up a third of the workforce out there, most people who wear skinny ties and gene jackets who is not road managing bruno mars some of these fleeky guys will be downsized. >> how would you fire a millennial in their native tongue. >> the company has decided to
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slide left. >> chris: points. jim. >> we are going to have to let you go and like snapchat could you disappear in a few seconds? >> chris: that's the end of rapid refresh. it tease now time for our hashtag wars. force forms. >> i absolutely loving bill nye science guy. i love him. >> he is a lovely man. i am pals with him, he is brilliant and champion of all things science and sexy in that bow tie celebrating climate change defires/flyers, sorry if i bother, sorry ianoid you with my facts. >> that's colder than pluto which is not a planet, (bleep).
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>> in his honor tonight's hashtag is #scientifictvshows. >> like co-seinfeld, it's sunny in the philadelphia experiment. >> annie. >> the hawking dead. >> chris: points! >> cute biohazard. >> chris: annie. >> leave it to beaker. >> chris: points. jim. >> black hole-ish. >> chris: point. al. >> magnum pi 3.14. >> chris: jim. >> everyone loves radiation. >> chris: points. annie. >> dancing with the actual stars. >> chris: points. annie. >> family anti-matters. >> chris: points, jim. >> the bible but on the sci fi channel. >> chris: that's tend of hashtag wars please send us your hashtags #scientifictvshows 0 to keep the game going. we will be right back with more
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@midnight. >> our tweet of to the night from last night's hash fag was what do you think? when i first sit in the seat it makes me think of a bmw. i feel like i'm in a lexus. you would think that this was a brand new audi. it's like a luxury car. feels kind of like an infinity. very similar to a range rover. this is pretty high tech. yeah it is. it reminds me of a mercedes. ♪ this is chevy? laughing i have a new appreciation for chevy. they thought about me. i could totally rock this. this thing feels pretty boss. it looks kind of dope. that's pretty cool. this is the jam. pretty bomb dude. maybe i will go chevy. i'm definitely in. ♪
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>> chris: welcome back to @midnight. it is time for audio quiz! >> audio quiz! >> chris: comedians i am going to play you a short clip of a sound we found on the internet, for 250 points i want you to buzz in and tell me what we are listening. to first one. this plaintive, whatever it is. >> >> my first ufc fight. >> chris: okay. points. >> and are you watching or actually fighting. >> that is me getting my ass kicked in front of my mom. >> chris: annie? >> is it nellie rapping? >> chris: points. >> chris: i don't know. that was pretty on key.
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>> the best rap ever. >> that is 0 co, yoko ono wishing john lennon a happy birthday. >> chris: let's find out what it actually is. >> >> i failed it! >> i know exactly what what that is. >> next one, this squeaky thing. >> oh! >> chris: al. >> that is the sound right after you uber drive a ghost. are you about to be sick? >> chris: points. annie. >> that's the sound firefighters make when i flash them. >> chris: okay. >> oh! >> chris:. >> gross. that is pretty close. that is pretty close.
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>> i am afraid that could turn into a weird fetish of mine. i kind of like that. >> al uses it to turn into -- >> chris: next one this chewing sounds i hate chewing sounds. >> >> chris: ah! >> annie. >> justin bieber stuck ling his mom's teat yesterday. >> chris: points. suckling his mom's teat. >> in a bowl of chili. >> i could have gone for the funny response but -- actual. >> chris: okay. i will give you points and see if you are right. >> what we go is take a full amount right off the top. >> the top, the cream. >> sweetness. >> chris: i have watched that documentary, that's the history of ice cream. that guy works for dryer's.
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>> you have seen it. >> he is the tasting guy. >> you may mock all you want but he invented cookies and cream and give him some (bleep)ing respect! >> chris: annie. >> bill nye science guy is most (bleep)ing guy in a bow tie he is the least. >> chris: let's go to the next game teradorable. internet babies are always getting into the craziest situations. oh that's a typo, i mean craziest situations. here is an internet baby photo and tell me if it is terrible or adorable. all right. first one. this sleepy tyke. is this terrible or adorable, annie? >> it is adorable, it is a little asian baby probably dressed up like a food. >> chris: i have to see. >> let's see.
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>> dressed up like food! >> chris: that was amazing! >> how did you get that? >> because they always dress their babies up like food. >> chris: i am giving you an extra 200 points for nailing that. >> i didn't nail it, take it back. i would not nail a baby. >> chris: you didn't nail the baby. >> nail them up like sushi? >> chris: next one these three kiddos, these three kiddos, terrible or adorable? annie. >> terrible. >> chris: let's find out. >> no! no! >> no. i knew someone dry blood their hair. >> you think that is terrible you should see the next photo where that one is good. >> >> mommy, ah!
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>> i like how the middle one is like it is too heavy oh, we have a mini one. here you go. >> in their defense that was taken in a state your name of baltimore a week ago. (bleep). >> >> chris:. >> they were protecting the whole foods. >> don't fake our kiwa please. >> oh, they should have dressed up like food. >> chris: that's the end of teradorable, now time for our live challenge, now i know my nbas. >> >> chris: this picture has been delighting people on reddit all day. it's a photo of the w-s-r-p-d youth basketball team, or the w-s-r-p-d-y-b-t for short. all right. as you can see our photographer.
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>> the coach is a rock, a rock. >> and one little girl who is unassailable joy yeah! >> this is the best ever! >> and then all of this (bleep) going on. every time i get really closes the like i could probably have a kid. no (bleep)ing way. no, sir force. >> no way could i manage that. comedians i would like you to give this team a halftime pep talk. we will get your answers after the break. we will be right back with more @midnight. >> making sure you pay the right price for a new car just got a whole lot easier. introducing the kelley blue book price advisor. the powerful tool that shows you what should pay.
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>> chris: and welcome back to @midnight. before the break i showed you
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this picture of a toddler basketball team and i asked you to give them a halftime pep talk. let's get pumped! al jackson, start with you. >> kids don't worry about the score, the only number that matters is 12. 12 years of marriage down the tube for a 20-year-old intern with abs and then you are in an open relationship that's news to me. anyway, play some offense and remember no matter what happens you are still better than the knicks. >> chris: okay. points. jim. >> look, i know the other team has a black kid. but we can still win this. >> chris: all right. annie. >> clear eyes full diaper, can't lose. >> chris: 1,000 points for jim, 500 to annie and al and now time for the next game, tech-rotica. >> tech-rotica.
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hey erotica fans, i if you're looking for perfect marriage of hard dick's and hard disks look no further than the works of leonard delaney, he is a self published amazon author with a totally not fake name who writes tech based erotic stories like the new kindle book invaded by the iwatch, very timely here, i am just guessing here but i bet that watch gives out hot wet steve jobs. >> his other books in the digital desires series include taken by the tetris blocks and conquered by clippy. >> can i to help you with that? it looks like you're beginning to pleasure yourself k i help you with that? >> clearly tech porn is huge un-taptic market so comedians come up with as many more tech-rotica titles as you can until i climax in 60-seconds.
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>> >> chris: points. al. >> menage a dos. >> chris:. >> >> chris: annie. >> binary curious. >> chris: points. jim. >> sum driving ms. daisy. >> ibm and ubm. >> chris: points. >> they must have thought ahead --. they have been around for decades. jim. >> pandora's box. >> chris: annie. >> just don't get it in my eye zone. >> chris: points. >> face buchaci. >> top left or top bottom. >> chris: points. that's the end of tech-rotica i see al jackson you are in third place my friend i am so sorry. we have to eliminate you. >> oh it's my jacket, isn't it? >> chris: i am glad you lettered in track. >> appreciate it. thank you all. >> chris: do you have any last words before we release you?
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>> i am just saying like i just want you guy to knows but one thing you are very important competitors but catch me at the nerdmelt june 6th. >> chris: that means it's time for an entrance it's for the win. a mall in hong kong was in need of paul blart's wacky yet effective mall coming recently when a wild boar, not figurative, a wild boar kicked its way through the ceiling of a children's clothing store. this is the real thing. bbc celebrated its annual hog week with this tasty footage. >> >> chris: very spry. this isn't the talbots. stupid waze. >> actually, i think i know but thing that would make this clip way better. could you mash it up with the other thing?
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>> yeah. [crazy town playing] >> chris: yeah, man, that crazy town song is like a wild boar tearing through a china's children's clothing some. >> why is there even a clothing store? we know these asians dress them up as food. >> all of them do! >> chris: as this wild boar please write a yelp review of this mall, we will have the comedians give an answer and we will name a winner when we come back to @midnight. >> i
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huh, fifteen minutes could save you fifteen percent or more on car insurance. everybody knows that. well, did you know that game show hosts should only host game shows? samantha, do you take kevin as your lawfully wedded husband... ...or...would you rather have a new caaaaaar!!! say hello to the season's hottest convertible.
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oh, and say good-bye to samantha. geico. fifteen minutes could save you fifteen percent or more. >> chris: welcome back to @midnight. for a tuesday night or wednesday morning, depending how you pars out your game. i am going to wipe your scores clean, i will read your answers out loud, you the audience will decide the winner. before the break i showed you footage of a boar falling through the ceiling of a mall in hong kong and asked you to write a review of that mall as the boar. let's see what you guys wrote. first one help if you are reading this i am a man trapped in a boar's body and the
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